Today we start a new normal for us.....leading up to this day seemed easy but now that it's here my heart is just so incredibly sad. We talk about new normals like we didn't like the old normal but honestly I liked the old normal, I want the old normal back,,,,I know that a new normal might be a good thing but every....single....thing...at this time of year no matter how new it is reminds me of my loss. People are kind. They are trying to be helpful. But I need to have my son....I miss him...I don't want to have a new normal,
Soooo I look for moments....I seek closeness to a person who is not here. I went into his room yesterday and found some note pads he had written in. That just made me cry even harder...then I found some clothes that he had inside an overnight bag and I washed them and found a shirt I could wear and for just one moment my heart rested. But as the day went by and the distraction waned the sadness and unbearable thoughts came at me. My husband bless his heart watched me and wept with me because on some level he is feeling it....as I'm sure my son, Alex is too. How can you not realize that a person in your family is missing!?!?! You can't...even with a new normal.
Even as I got up to move through the day it loomed over me this new normal. So while looking for something on my desk this morning I found a note from Evan from a card that looks like it might be from Mother's Day. This note was on the inside of the card.
Mom,
Thank you for the life you have given me. The things I love best about myself are all things you have gave me. Your forgiveness, your empathy, your charisma, and the ability to give up pieces of myself to make others whole. Whenever I am lost, your words thread me to the planet and keep me grounded. I learned the world through you, and there are not enough words on this planet to tell you how thankful I am for all that you've done for me, and our family. I will carry you with me everyday of my life, and there is no other woman on this planet I'd rather have within me.
Your son, Evan
I guess this is my kick start to the day....as I pursue a new normal for me in the moment by moments. Looking for the things that God would want me to see and asking Him for each breath that I take in this life of mine....that feels so not new or normal.
