It always makes for a fun day when I can go and spend time with a momma and her kiddos. It's even more fun when a newborn is involved and I get to take photos with all of them. Here are a few shots from my time with Little Miss Raelin. Loads of cuddles, yawns and wide eyed looks. All the while as her brother and Rae's sweet sisters look on. Thanks Vanessa for taking some pics of me too. I love watching kids be excited about photography.
Last night I braved the cold to capture my first meteor shower and it did not disappoint. I thought I had only captured one or two but after getting home and downloading I captured more then I had hoped. The night sky was beautiful and although I came home before the moon rose (my hands and feet frozen) these first captures were so fun and I'm glad I went. I might need different equipment next time. If you look closely my shutter speed was slow and you can see the red embers as it shoots across the sky. Enjoy these photos from last night...
When they saw the star, they were filled with joy! Matthew 2:10
Today November 9th, 2017 is the 365th day of not having you on the planet. As I look back over the days leading up to this I'm amazed at how the Lord prepared me. Our community would spend days petitioning God for a miracle...to give you life but instead the miracle was that you would give life to others. That selfless act is so much a part of who you are and of the people that you associate with. I remember the hours and moments as they ticked away and we waited for them to come and take you to the operating room. They came to your room at 2:14am and I see so vividly all of us walking you to the door of the operating room and of us standing in a huddled clump, Dad, Alex and I.... with all of our friends watching us watching you. What I remember the most is the silence. Almost as if at that moment the world had forgotten it's voice. A silent cry. Not a sound was made. All I could hear were our tears. We asked Dr. Gaborko if he would go with you...as a prayer covering and a witness that you would be watched over. I can honestly say that knowing he was going in with you gave us peace. Jeff's kindness to us was a selfless act and one we can never repay. The other thing I remember is looking back at all of the people who stayed till the end and seeing their faces. Such brokenness. So many tears. I shall not forget those moments...never ever. Letting you go was so, so hard. Even to write this brings great big tears.
Oh, how we miss you. The thing that is hardest is your voice. I can't hear it. Your ridiculous laughter is silent. Your words live on only to be read in a voice that is not yours. Most days we do what we have always done. We wake up, drink coffee, go to work, come home, eat, go to bed. Time has marched on and the seasons have changed and the world has not stopped. We have not stopped. I'm one year older, we still wonder about the holidays and what we will do, we still talk about life and truly most days I still feel your presence. Maybe it's the familiar things that make you seem close...my daily journeys to Peet's where I keep expecting you in the afternoon to come up behind me and say "Hey! Mom!"...maybe it's driving by Best Buy and thinking of all the time you spent there and the holidays you missed because of the craziness of the seasons...maybe it's the train at the Nut Tree that for years we spent EVERY WEEKEND during your train faze as a young child...maybe it's the sound of your friends at our house to commemorate a birthday or to just play a card game...or maybe it's what I see through my lens that brings me into close proximity to your presence...the more familiar the location the closer you are to me....I'm learning to look for the things that the Lord is showing me because that's where you are....with that said you're missed...every day by us.
I know you would be proud of us for putting one foot in front of the other....for pressing forward. Looking back only to remember with fondness and a little bit of angst. Today we will celebrate you with the thing you loved most....A Poetry Slam! to honor you and to keep a bit of who you are alive in our hearts. To celebrate a life lived and loved well and one that gave the gift of life to others.
As I continue down the road of grief I am struck by the things that take me from such great joy to weepy tears. I'm not even sure how to quantify it or give it a number on a scale. I spend a lot of time reading and listening to books. As I've shared in other posts I am listening to a book on Heaven and a book on waiting. Both of these areas in my life have been a struggle. Kinda like that kid that wants to be president at the place that they work even before they learn how to count back change at the register. As I've said in previous blogs Heaven has always been abstract to me and because my faith points me to Jesus and the bible I don't really want to speculate about it. I want to know what the bible says as that is foundational...my center. On top of reading/listening to many books I am attending a faith-based small group on grief called Grief Share. All these things keep me a float...keep me moving...processing. They keep me reaching out to grasp what is really not something you can grasp. So what it does is give me strength. It gives me Faith to look beyond what I can see and it gives me Hope that what I think and believe are Truth and that at some point it will bring peace and understanding.
Roads are a funny thing. I've spent most of the summer on the road either on the east coast or west coast but always on the road. I went on a road trip this last weekend and we had times on this trip where the highway was smoothly paved. The road noise was minimal. You could hear the stereo in the car without having to crank it up and the skies were clear....smooth sailing so to speak. We then had places where the road was so rough from years of weather and chains from vehicles that you could not even hear yourself think. You couldn't hear the radio. You couldn't even have a conversation as the noise in the car was so loud and storms that nearly blinded you as you drove down country roads in the dark. Sometimes you turn down a road that you think is the right one and all of a sudden you are at a dead end. You make a plan that you are going to leave at a certain time. You stop just to get food and go to the bathroom no extra stops just to realize it took you about the same amount of time as it did when you enjoyed the journey. Stopped and looked at the sights. Made memories and took your time.
I share all of this because grief is very similar to the road trips I've been on and to be perfectly honest life is this way as well. It takes me to places I didn't want to go. Sometimes I enjoy where I'm going and the effects of it leave me refreshed and my burden is lightened. Sometimes the noise is so loud I can't hear what is being said to me and I zone out. Sometimes I just want to get home...to do it my way. I forget about all the beauty that is around me and if I had just stopped...walked around...and practiced pondering I would have gotten home in just the right amount of time and enjoyed the journey.
Evan, we love and miss you so very much. Every memory is bittersweet and filled with the what if's and why not's. As I travel this road I hope to have less of those questions but for now...It is September and that means that you have been gone 10 months....but really it is for eternity. e·ter·ni·ty əˈtərnədē/ ~ noun ~ infinite or unending time.
http://www.visitcalifornia.com/attraction/sundial-bridge
https://www.amazon.com/Real-Heaven-What-Bible-Actually/dp/0801016134
https://www.amazon.com/Wait-See-Finding-Peace-Pauses/dp/0781413559
Babies have a way of making us smile. They are squishy....they smell good...and for me they bring hope. I had the joy of going to Tahoe last week to photograph sweet Amelia who was about two weeks early. Not just that but this new family had planned a move the weekend that she arrived. I was still able to capture all of her newborn faces along with the joy and excitement of her parents. Oh yes and her furry brothers too. Best Wishes to all of you!
Last year I was challenged to take my art out into the world. This challenge came in the form of a letter written from Evan but I had also many friend who told me I should try. So I did and it was successful. I placed in many of the shows I entered and won small monetary prizes for those placements. I'm glad that I did it and it helped me see a different side of photography....
I was unsure if this year I would be up to the task of placing my photography in the numerous shows that I had last year. Some of my motivation was that Evan and Alex really helped to move me forward and honestly putting your work in shows is time consuming. But I felt that I had a few piece that I could enter and my motivation was different this year so I entered a few shows along with entering the California State Fair. I've included those piece in this blog post.
Being an artist is unique and beautiful. It can also be demanding and test you in ways that you thought impossible. Sometimes I think that it was more then I bargained for this thing I do. I want to say that since the loss of Evan my world has changed...I can't really describe it but I feel the full impact of my loss every single day. I was out yesterday and nearly every place that I went or drove past had a memory of something or brought back to me a conversation I had with Evan. The other night I was out looking for picture frames for photos that I was placing in an art show I ran into some dear friends who asked, How are you??? Well at that moment I was deep in the process of trying to get frames and I was great but as I talked further I was grateful to get through a conversation about how I was without tears. Please don't take that the wrong way...for me that is a step forward in my healing. I want to be at a place that the very conversation about Evan does not destroy me.....crumble me to a "bucket of tear"so to speak...."grief ambush" as it's called in my small group study that I'm doing. I want to be able to have conversations that invite people towards me...to not be afraid to see people or have them avoid me or feel awkward. To be real grief is scary....and awkward...and crummy but it is also part of the process of loving and being loved. I'm grateful to have loved Evan and that he loved me too. There is so much joy in that...if I hadn't loved there would be no sadness or this grief that I have. Maybe that is what is different is the full impact of our love is felt in loss. Yes...I think that's what is different is that I know that if I love fully the full impact of the loss of that becomes very clear and painfully real. It goes back to something I believe the Lord is showing me.
For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror.....1 Cor. 13:12.
Earlier in June we had the great honor to celebrate as a dear friend graduated from the police academy. His hard work and determination paid off as he walked across the stage and was presented his badge. It had been a long 6 months and one that was marked by great accomplishment but also great sadness. Christopher had been accepted into the program about the time our son, his dear friend, was in an auto accident that left him brain dead. It was a difficult time for all of us and yet in it a great thing emerged. Christoper started the program and 6 months later he is starting his job as a police officer.
I'm grateful to be included in such a time of celebration and I look forward to the great things he will accomplish in the months and years ahead. Best Wishes, Christopher! We love you!
How can it be Justin that you are going to be graduating!?!?!? but alas time does not stand still as much as I would love for it to. I remember when your family first arrived in Vacaville and driving all of you around to help find housing as your family was moving from the Redding area to Vacaville. We have spent many days riding around since those early days and I am thankful to have been able to watch you grow and mature into the kind of person who values relationships and family. We had the best time running around the Sacramento....from the Capitol to Tower Bridge...doing Senior photos. I'm so glad Hannah came with us and that we could spend these precious moments together before you enter college.
I can't wait to do prom photos next week....Justin I am so proud of you...and all that the future holds as you embark on the next chapter on your journey. I love you and best wishes!!!
Today is International Bereaved Mother's Day https://goodmenproject.com/families/the-importance-of-international-bereaved-mothers-day-bbab/
As I think about Evan and the loss of him I can't help but think of all the other parents but especially Mom's who have lost a child. It is never easy..it continues to hurt...but we keep moving inch by inch..moment by moment. The immense love that we felt is only made harder but the immeasurable sadness we feel with our loss.
Yesterday when I got home from work we had received a letter from the Donor Network. The folks who connect donor families to the people who have received their loved one's organs. In God's great mercy and because of His great love for us...this letter arrived this week. The great excitement that this recipient has experienced from receiving Evan's heart....that it has brought him back from the brink of death has made it is so very bittersweet for me. I'm so glad that he felt safe enough to contact us. That he has shared how his life has been immediately changed. How he is doing all that he can to live a health life and use the gift that he received to tell other to give the same gift. I can't help but be so overwhelmingly mournful of our great loss.
With that said...We would not change the course that has taken place with Evan doing what was in his heart....and that was to be an organ donor. I'm proud of him and his very clear and direct decision to donate his organs. We continue to see God's hand in all of it and never once have thought this was not what Evan would have wanted. So as I close out this blog on this day that many are struggling to understand why and what can this all mean...let me encourage you. Hold your head up as well as you can...I know from experience it is not always easy...be present in the everyday...and if you can, think about giving the gift of life through being an organ donor. You could change the course of someones life. I know that it did for Lee. https://www.donornetworkwest.org
Enjoy this video of photos from my portfolio.
In my Captured Moments Newborn gallery Hallie's newly born photos were part of my 2016 season. Hallie's grandma, Teresa is a friend of mine and that was how I was introduced to Hallie's momma, Lindsey. I traveled across the bridge to meet with them in their home to capture the first few weeks of Hallie's life. It was such a sweet time and I was so grateful for Lindsey's trust in allow me to capturing her newborn moments. I informed her when we first talked that I was a simple photographer. I didn't really do props or wraps. Just you and your baby. She loved that idea and gave me a couple of ideas she hoped to capture. I've included a few of the photos from that time we spent together.
Fast forward to February of 2017. Lindsey and I have been in touch during the last year. She reach out to me during the earlier days in November when my son had passed away. She sent me a photo she had found on the Sacramento State website that had mentioned about my son's passing. It was such a sweet gesture during a time that was one of the most gut wrenching of my life. She then contacted me in February asking if I was available to do Hallie's one year photos and she wouldn't have want anyone else but me to do these timeless photos for her and I said absolutely!!! We both had a few detours in our schedules but we eventually worked out a time and a place and below are the results of our time together. I love this family!!
Lindsey...thank you for not only reaching out to me but for trusting me with your most precious possession...your family.
When Jennifer posted her 39 week photo the weekend before Cameron decided he was on his way, I sent her a message to keep me posted as to her progress after a stress test. When I didn't hear from her I knew she was in the middle of induction so I just waited...I touched base with her mom and finally Cameron was delivered on the 14th and I was able to go see them the next day to capture these Fresh 48's for them. Congratulations to Clell and Jennifer on the healthy deliver of this sweet boy. Oh my how I love newborns.
On Friday I woke up and wanted to see something beautiful. I'm rather partial to water features so I found out that there are lovely waterfalls less than 3 hours from Charlotte. So I took off with my camera, some snacks, and water to the Pisgah National Forest. It wasn't until I stopped at Starbuck's in Hendersonville, NC that I realized I forgot my wallet. Not only that but I had about a half of a tank of gas. UGH.... anyway, I kept going towards the mountains and arrived at the national forest. I stopped and looked at the map by the rangers station and made a plan to go look at a few of the falls that have made this region famous. The map and info provided below courtesy of Pisgah National Forest Ranger Station.
I made my way towards Looking Glass Falls, which is just inside the park. The great thing about it was that you can observe the falls from your car it’s that close. I ventured out of my car though and walked down to get a closer view. The roar of the water was so refreshing for a brisk nearly spring day. I thought a lot about my boys. I wish I could give you a quick thumbnail of my thoughts but there where too many. Mostly that I miss Evan….nothing new there. Mostly I feel for Alex and that adventures that could have been will not be with his brother. I thought of my extended family and that of my husband. As I drove along I thought of my husband also as I saw so many people fly-fishing along the waters edge. It was a beautiful day with water.…my thoughts….and creation.
This was taking from the roadway.
During my brief adventure I also went to Looking Glass Rock that was not too far from the falls. When I stopped and got out to take a few photos in the distance I saw one of the native birds of this area a Peregrine Falcons. I’ve been having a few encounters with falcons lately and the beauty of that is it gives me a sense of connecting with Evan. It is as if the Lord allows it just to give me a sense of comfort. The Lord does this so often for me as I’m out in creation. It's worship really…I can hear Him. He lets me know that he’s near…that He sees my longing…that He know that my heart is searching…looking for my boy. I’ve done a little bit of studying about falcons but truly I’m not looking for anything supernatural….I’m just looking for the Lord to show me what He wants me to see and to find comfort in the connect He makes with me. My hope is that you see the beauty that I see and that you too can see Jesus in what I share.
On the last day of February our family said goodbye to my Dad...Harold Dyson Rutter, Jr. He passed away on Sunday, February 12, 2016 at the age of 88 years old, surrounded by loved ones, at his home in Fort Mill, SC.
He was born in Altoona, Pa. on February 9, 1929 to Harold Dyson Rutter, Sr. and Clair Helen (Croyle) Rutter. He was the first-born son of four children to whom he was very close. His oldest sister Joyce Arlene (Rutter) Shiplett lives in Kingston, PA; and youngest brother Gene Rutter lives in Raleigh, NC. His youngest sister, Edris (Rutter) Colyer, precedes him in death.
Harold never met a stranger he didn’t like, was a seeker of information, a treasure trove of knowledge and was always ready with a hug or time for a conversation. Upon graduating from Altoona High School, he volunteered and was accepted to the US Navy during WWII for the Submarine Service. He felt fortunate to serve on three different submarines, the USS Corsair SS435, the USS Trumptfish SS425, and a captured German U-Boat, USS Ex-U2513. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/German_submarine_U-2513
He served on the USS EX U-2513
Following his honorable discharge from the service he attended Penn State University and worked for the Pennsylvania Railroad. It was during this time that he met and married the love of his life Dorla Rose Albright on May 26, 1956 in Winchester, VA. They both enjoyed playing card games, dancing, singing, Mexican train and their family.
International Business Machines (IBM) employed him from 1959 until 1991. During his time with IBM he worked in both New York and Virginia but spent a majority of his career in San Jose, CA as an engineer. Following retirement and years of global travel, he and Dorla moved to Fort Mill, SC where they made great connections in the American Legion, the VFW in Fort Mill, the Fort Mill Moose Lodge and the Carolina Piedmont Submarine Veterans Base. These organizations of caring peers continued to be a part of his life especially as his health began to fail.
He is survived by his wife, Dorla Rutter, his children; John Hammel and wife Jean of Lake Wylie, SC; Tom Hammel and his wife, Debra of Benson, AZ; Randy Rutter of San Jose, CA.; Dawn Kincade and husband, John of Vacaville, CA. and Shawn Rutter and his wife, Rebecca of Charlotte, NC. Harold’s family has extended to 14 grandchildren and countless great grandchildren. His grandson, Evan Kincade of Vacaville, CA. precedes him in death.
I want to thank my Uncle Gene Rutter for all that he did as he officiated, organized and helped us honor our Dad in a way that was traditional but also showed the fun, adventurous and loving man that he was and will always be to those who loved him.
We love you, Dad. Thank you for the love that you gave so freely to all who knew you and for your service to our country.
I really can't tell you how exciting it is to see new parents as they navigate the first 48 hours after having a newborn. So many things to discover and cherish, hurdles to overcome and challenges to push through. Just about two weeks ago I posted a Milk Bath Maternity session with Lindsey...I've included it here in this blog post just in case you missed it. Lindsey and I did that session at the beginning of January and she wasn't due until February. So when she started having contraction last week it looked like Miss Olivia would be arriving in God's perfect timing and Lindsey, David and all of their extended family could not be more excited to welcome her.
These are just a few of the photos captured during their first 48 hours as a new family. Both of you have included me in all...if not most of your life events and I am so thankful for your love and friendship. Your love for each other is so evident and Olivia is one blessed little girl to have you both as parents. Lindsey you bring such tenderness and nurturing...David always the confident protector and encourager. Thank you for share and including me in such a special and intimate time with your new family. I'm already so impressed by who you both are as parents.
I know...she is so dang cute!!!
We have been under clouds of rain for the last week and finally in the last few days we have emerged to dry out and be outside. Although the dampness has caused a bit of ground fog it has still been nice to see the sun and although I LOVE the sun there is beauty to be appreciated in the rain and fog.
The journey I'm currently traveling is a strange one for me. I have moment of great joy and happiness (the sunny days) and moments of such great sadness and tears (the rainy days) with moments of not knowing if I can see beyond the moment I'm in (the foggy days). Now I can use other analogies that are weather related...but these are the ones that are the most fresh....the here and the now moments. I suspect they are no different then what you probably experience on a weekly basis but I've found that I am much more contemplative~ watching...looking...observing. Trying to find Hope at a time when I feel rather lost and out of sorts.
We recently found a few of Evan's writings and I'm amazed at his work. So much depth. It's funny cause I too wrote much during my younger years. I guess we both had a lot of emotion that didn't have an outlet so we wrote. Most of those writings were born of pain and sadness. Evan's too have the same flavor...depth...sadness. Many though are quite spiritual....almost prophetic so to speak. I hope to add them as I post these updates to the Capture 2017.
Contingency
My heart never told my brain to have a contingency plan.
Landlines, locked down by strong winds,
pacified by semi-meaningful promises and
dual-fated illnesses, lack the structural integrity to hold out
and the floodgates burst wide.
Even the eye of the storm–mildly calm compared to
the rest of the sorrowful, cloudy night– is brainwashed
into thinking that it has to act as the rest of tempest must:
with vengeance till the last exhalation
and the floodgates burst wide.
Though I've dabbled in sailing and preparing safety nets,
it must've slipped my first mate's mind to prepare
my last line of comfort and consolation.
I am alone. No one can hear me. I am alone...
and the floodgates burst wide.
My psyche is lost in the tide.
I cannot get out.
By Evan Kenneth Kincade 3/08
As our family wraps up 2016 and moves into the new year it would not be complete if we didn't take a moment to thank all of you for your thoughts, prayers, cards, emails, texts and most of all your love towards us. This community that God has given us has truly been a life line for us. Losing Evan has been one of the hardest things our family has experienced and we want you to know that you have been a great source of light and hope for us.
During the holidays we tried to create new memories while clinging to old traditions as we have faced many firsts already without our son and brother. It was difficult to not have Evan with us during this time of year as it has always been a time that we have gathered to celebrate. Although we tried hard to enjoy the company of family and friends something of course was missing and that something was Evan. Oddly for me when fun was involved and I was in the throughs of laugher or singing loudly or dancing to awesome 70's hits.....a sadness invaded me and tears would begin to fall. I felt a touch of guilt that Evan would not be here on this earth laughing, singing loudly and dancing and that brought sadness to me.
Many will say...he is dancing in heaven...yes I know and maybe in the future when I have wrestled with my feelings of loss maybe I will have the strength to look death in the face and not cry foul....but the reality is he is not here and heaven although real....is abstract to me and selfishly, I want to have him here......to hear his laughter...listen to him sing loudly and dance. The struggle is real for me as when I write this what does it say about my faith...what does it say about my heart....This is just my world and honestly, I just told my family last night...I get inside my head when this happens and it just isn't good......all this while tears are streaming down my face.....I'm glad that God is big enough for these things that I ponder and that he has provided me with a husband and son that are trying their best to love me while their hearts are breaking too.
As I move into this New Year somewhat reluctantly I would like to extent to you all the hope and joy that the New Year brings. We pray that you live each moment of each day with love in your heart. Enjoy those you love....As for me I am expectant to what the Lord is showing and teaching me in this season...I know that I am looking to be more intentional in 2017. Making every moment count....
".....Cheerfully expectant. Don't quit in hard times; pray all the harder".
Romans 12:12 MSG
Our last family photo taken in Napa for my birthday.
Snapshots from the first week of January 2017
