Reflections, wondering and pondering....On the 4th Day of Christmas.

The holidays are always a time for reflection...as the year comes to an end and you look expectantly towards the New Year. I’m not really sure if I’ve lost the expectant part at times it feels like it. I am definitely reflecting and pondering. 

Mary pondered these things and kept them in her heart…. Luke 2:19

The story of the birth of Jesus is so large but these words of the ponderings of Mary and the insight they give to her in those first moments bring together so many feels. I believe that if Mary was a ponderer at this young age she did not stop her ponderings as she became a mother to the son of God and watched him grow. I think of myself as a ponderer. I remember so many moments as I looked at my kids at every season of their life and thought…. what are they thinking? What will life for them look like? I always was pondering for the todays and tomorrows. Was Mary any different? Did she ponder what her other friends were doing? Did she wonder if Jesus was eating enough? Gaining enough weight for his age? What friends would he make?

I do not want to come across as flippant because that is not my heart. The story of Jesus is both beautiful and holy. I do see so many parallels to my life experience and hers as a mom. I see her eyes as she watched her son carry his cross down the Via Delarosa. Do you think she saw the eyes of her infant son looking back at her? I don’t know but I can tell you she saw the depth of his soul and that is something I know she had pondered. When you raise your child you know them…. you see them. I don’t think Mary was any different. She saw Jesus. She knew him as only a mother could. I love that part.

I’ve been quiet the last month. November was hard in ways that could not be expressed in a quick post, Instagram or Facebook story. I’ve pondered many things as I’ve moved through this last year. I’ve thumbed through old journals, photos, schoolwork, and notes. All of my ponderings over all of the 26 years of Evan’s life have been so that I had those to last me the rest of my life, as he would not be here to live them out. That on some level has brought a bit of comfort but the sadness of it has been evident to my momma’s heart. I’m grateful for all of the other folks I’ve met during this year of mourning. I have felt so accepted by those who are in similar circumstances…I’ve especially appreciative those who have lost their adult child and the similar ways it has connected us. 

Glimpses of Me

For me, it seems that most days are not without some degree of sadness. I try hard to be who I was before Evan died and at times I think that person is still there. Grief has a way of changing who we once were. Oh, I see glimpses of her….some of those glimpses are good some of them not so much. All of the same hurts, insecurities, simple pleasures and wonders are present but all of them are now sifted through grief. I have watched people and places that have always been solid places for me begin to disappear before me. As I learn more about this journey none of this is unusual. It is actually very common. People scatter….places that held happy memories become a wound that is often times too large to bandage. The very things that you thought you knew are now vague memories or are completely forgotten. 

Not too long ago I was explaining to a dear friend through tears that there is something in me….it almost feels like I’m expectant…edgy…watching but with this restlessness in me I want to see progress…I want to push. She said that it sounded similar to that of a mother birthing a child. There you have it. That is exactly how I’m feeling. It’s hard for me to rest..to practice pausing…waiting…to lean in. I’ve been listening to a lot of worship music since Evan’s death. Some of my favorites are Elevation Worship. The words are so powerful. I read an article about their song “There is a Cloud” and the meaning of the song. Such a great article I've included the link here. http://www.newreleasetoday.com/article.php?article_id=2112

One of the many verses they talk about is Hebrews 11:1. "Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see." I’ve included one of the verses of the song in this post. This is from Elevation Worship “There is a Cloud”.

Thanks, Christy for this lovely art piece. @christym.smith

On this Day....One year ago

Today November 9th, 2017 is the 365th day of not having you on the planet.  As I look back over the days leading up to this I'm amazed at how the Lord prepared me. Our community would spend days petitioning God for a miracle...to give you life but instead the miracle was that you would give life to others. That selfless act is so much a part of who you are and of the people that you associate with. I remember the hours and moments as they ticked away and we waited for them to come and take you to the operating room. They came to your room at 2:14am and I see so vividly all of us walking you to the door of the operating room and of us standing in a huddled clump, Dad, Alex and I.... with all of our friends watching us watching you. What I remember the most is the silence. Almost as if at that moment the world had forgotten it's voice. A silent cry. Not a sound was made. All I could hear were our tears. We asked Dr. Gaborko if he would go with you...as a prayer covering and a witness that you would be watched over. I can honestly say that knowing he was going in with you gave us peace.  Jeff's kindness to us was a selfless act and one we can never repay. The other thing I remember is looking back at all of the people who stayed till the end and seeing their faces. Such brokenness. So many tears. I shall not forget those moments...never ever. Letting you go was so, so hard. Even to write this brings great big tears.

Oh, how we miss you. The thing that is hardest is your voice. I can't hear it. Your ridiculous laughter is silent. Your words live on only to be read in a voice that is not yours. Most days we do what we have always done. We wake up, drink coffee, go to work, come home, eat, go to bed. Time has marched on and the seasons have changed and the world has not stopped. We have not stopped. I'm one year older, we still wonder about the holidays and what we will do, we still talk about life and truly most days I still feel your presence. Maybe it's the familiar things that make you seem close...my daily journeys to Peet's where I keep expecting you in the afternoon to come up behind me and say "Hey! Mom!"...maybe it's driving by Best Buy and thinking of all the time you spent there and the holidays you missed because of the craziness of the seasons...maybe it's the train at the Nut Tree that for years we spent EVERY WEEKEND during your train faze as a young child...maybe it's the sound of your friends at our house to commemorate a birthday or to just play a card game...or maybe it's what I see through my lens that brings me into close proximity to your presence...the more familiar the location the closer you are to me....I'm learning to look for the things that the Lord is showing me because that's where you are....with that said you're missed...every day by us. 

I know you would be proud of us for putting one foot in front of the other....for pressing forward. Looking back only to remember with fondness and a little bit of angst. Today we will celebrate you with the thing you loved most....A Poetry Slam! to honor you and to keep a bit of who you are alive in our hearts. To celebrate a life lived and loved well and one that gave the gift of life to others. 

Snapshots and Memories.....

Today as I do every day I'm always looking...watching to see what the Lord has for me. Sometimes it's something very small. Sometimes it's more of a feeling or a calm that comes to me in the midst of a crazy day filled with busyness. The thing that I find so comforting is that there is always something. This last weekend has been filled with running. Graduations, proms, parades, celebrations and BBQ's. As I've moved through all of these "life" events I was amazed at how often you came to mind, Evan. It was as if you traveled with me to all of these events. If you had been here I know you probably would have had your own things that you would have done. You wouldn't have gone to all of the same things I did but the great thing about now is that you're ever present with me. Even in places that you wouldn't normally be. As I stepped on to the field to watch the graduation of a dear friend from Vacaville Christian Schools; I couldn't help but sense....the senior sunrise and all of the other things that I was so privileged as your mom to experience with you. How lucky I am that I was available to be in those moment with you and Alex. So thankful for your Dad who has always allowed me such freedom to be fully engaged with you guys as you were growing up. To walk along the pathway were your name is forever placed with your class. It was a bundle of emotions and tears but Jesus met me and carried me. He placed me in the path of those who knew you and had fond memories of you. It was a great comfort.

From there to kick off the Memorial Day holiday with the Fiesta Day Parade.....again not someplace you would have hung out with me but I saw and connected with so many people and in those moments of connection and friendship I saw you there. I can remember so many parades you would have been marching for band at VCS and I would walk along with the group screaming and yelling. Such great memories....I treasure them...holding them so tightly. I went from the parade to Prom to photograph some of the seniors as they embarked on their last formal gathering before graduation. It was filled with silly traditions and beautiful guys and gals and it brought about such feelings of nostalgia for me that I thought my breath would catch. So many great memories I have from your high school season....limo rides....gathering of friends...laughter that was heard through out. It was rather melancholy. I was glad that Dad took me out for dinner at Mikunis so I didn't spend too much time in my head. 

One thing that is always certain with you and Alex is that when it comes to family you always are present. This weekend was no different. On Sunday we celebrated your cousin's graduation from high school. Interestingly when I looked up to see people arriving I thought for a split second that I saw you....same hair color...same facial hair...even a shirt the same color as you had but to my great disappointment it was not you. It caught me for a moment and in the hope that others not deem me crazy....it was only my mind taking me to places that it often does only to slam me back to the world in which I am here and you are not. I like for just that brief time to believe....to be in that moment of thinking maybe....... After we got home I went out driving as that is always when I find the most beautiful things...just before sunrise or sunset. Earlier this month Alex took me out to see the sunflowers and although they hadn't bloomed they had sprouted. I was checking on them to see their progress. Just a few more weeks and they will be ready.

Monday was a day of remembering...Memorial Day. We went to see grandpa at the cemetery and I can't help that when I go see him that a piece of you is also with him. The services at the cemetery were lovely...moving...honoring and I'm grateful for all who gave their lives for our freedom. So many emotions as I thought of my dad and really thought a lot about you. I think of so many similarities between you and my dad. As I come to the end of this month I am really filled with a lot of emotion. I've cried so many tears and I don't really see an end to that anytime soon. I keep them in check more...the world is not ready for all this emotion...when tears are tied to sadness and grief there isn't much room for that in this world.  So for now I will continue to be looking...watching....and waiting for the God of comfort to give me purpose in my pain. 

Captured Moments

Enjoy this video of photos from my portfolio.

Sugar and Spice....Welcome Olivia Canalita Lahl~January 26, 2017

I really can't tell you how exciting it is to see new parents as they navigate the first 48 hours after having a newborn. So many things to discover and cherish, hurdles to overcome and challenges to push through. Just about two weeks ago I posted a Milk Bath Maternity session with Lindsey...I've included it here in this blog post just in case you missed it. Lindsey and I did that session at the beginning of January and she wasn't due until February. So when she started having contraction last week it looked like Miss Olivia would be arriving in God's perfect timing and Lindsey, David and all of their extended family could not be more excited to welcome her.

These are just a few of the photos captured during their first 48 hours as a new family. Both of you have included me in all...if not most of your life events and I am so thankful for your love and friendship. Your love for each other is so evident and Olivia is one blessed little girl to have you both as parents. Lindsey you bring such tenderness and nurturing...David always the confident protector and encourager. Thank you for share and including me in such a special and intimate time with your new family. I'm already so impressed by who you both are as parents. 

 http://www.dawnkincadephotography.com/my-adventures/2017/1/24/lindsey-lahlmilk-bath-maternity-sessionjanuary-2017

I know...she is so dang cute!!!

Moments in the busyness....Capture 2017

In the busyness of the last couple weeks I was trying to keep my head figuratively and literally above the water line. I saw so many rainbows but on some of the days life seemed to move along with out me even knowing that my life has changed. Last week I spent most of my days busy either at work or just going. I've found the more I go and do the less I stop and feel. In the stopping and feeling moments the weight of my loss is so acute that I can't breath. I want my old life back....with all of its flaws and imperfection because in that it seemed that the pain was far less.....the empty parts of my heart are filled and I don't feel so empty...so utterly and completely empty. I often wonder if I would have maybe not wasted my time on insignificant things....would I have looked more deeply....loved more largely....held on more tightly. 

Of course I know the answers to all of those doubts.....the grip that sometimes wants to suffocate the life that I want to live....the today that I am living. When I start to think about my today I begin to breath just a bit more. I see that the sun comes out...that although the loss is great the sun does shine even through the rain and fog. The loss....the sadness....the empty parts seem to find rest. I'm always so surprised how the sadness creeps in but never surprised to hear the Lord bring words of comfort to me. Doesn't change my situation it just gives me the strength to take one more step forward. I seriously don't know how you are suppose to live after such loss but for this moment and of the moments in between...I look expectantly to Him and the beauty that He has created for us. Check out the shot of the hummingbird with his tongue out...amazing.

For our present troubles are small and won't last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever!                                                            2 Cor 4:17 NLT

What will you capture next.....Capture 2017

Mother's Day Note 2016 

Back in May of 2016 my sons, Evan and Alex, took me out for a Mother's Day adventure to a beautiful place in the Piedmont Hills. We walked to the top of this hill and we could see all of the bay area from this place. They had thought through the day and made it all about the things that I love, taking photos, beautiful spaces, food and them. Later that day both of my sons wrote me lovely notes and challenged me that they looked forward to what I would "capture next". 

So I wanted to start my own journey of capturing what I see on a daily and weekly basis so that as I look back over 2017 with the hope of seeing what the world and creation was saying to me. My desire is to share my heart as I view life and the living of life that comes with seeing my world differently then last year. To put my thoughts and feelings in an open place that others will feel a connection to so that they will join me. Being expectant as I will be this year to see what God has for me and hoping that in some small way this will help with my broken heart. 

Fast forward to today,  January 11, 2017...our family has lost our son and brother, Evan....and life as we've known it will forever be changed. I will ALWAYS be the mother of two sons....the ensuing birthdays, Mother's Days, and all other holidays will look and feel different. I am grateful for my son, Alex, who is working and processing this journey along with his parents. Love my sons and I'm thankful for the 25 years, 11 months, and 4 days I had with Evan and for Alex who has been so attentive toward our care as we venture down this road we did not want or desire for our family. Look around...begin to see the world that surrounds you and capture it. 

Be expectant...Be intentional....#Capture2017

These photos taken since January 1, 2017.