My Word for 2025

As the year comes to a close, I reflect on the possibilities that the new year holds. I begin this thoughtful process by selecting a personal word for the year, which helps me consider the journey ahead. I realize I can't enter the new year without acknowledging my journey over the past year. My word for 2024 was “Stable,” serving as a guiding principle as I navigate the challenges posed by my Chronic Kidney Disease (CKD) and other health issues. This past year marked my first full year of retirement, offering me many opportunities to create my schedule. I traveled to Texas three times at the beginning of the year to capture the eclipse, go to a wedding, and visit a friend. We ventured to Europe to explore the charming streets of Salzburg while enjoying a memorable river cruise. I’ve had a trip to admire the vibrant fall colors on my bucket list for years, and that trip became a reality in 2024. As the year wraps up, I look forward to a family getaway planned for Puerto Vallarta. I aim to continue traveling for as long as my health allows. This year took me back to my old house in New York, where I tried to recall aspects of my childhood between the ages of 7 and 11. The late sixties were a significant time, filled with so much happening in our world. That’s all I can remember now, but it was a vital part of my life and fueled my desire to serve others, so I want to understand and give a voice to that part of me. I’m reflecting on this time and the people who impacted me the most. Looking back, I realize that my word for 2025 is part of this process as I revisit those formative years.

My word for the year is “Solace.” This word means to comfort - to ease grief or distress. Other similar words include comfort, assure, reassure, soothe, cheer, console, uplift, calm, elevate, and boost. The word solace is something I hope will move me towards, reassure me of the calling God has placed in me, and give me peace as I think of my future.

Although my passion for photography remains vibrant, I have dedicated more time to assisting others through Grief Recovery. Helping individuals find completion with what they wish had been different, better, or more by using the tools I’ve acquired on this journey brings me profound meaning. Over the past year, I expanded my one-on-one interactions via Zoom, hoping more individuals will take advantage of the opportunity to engage in person during our group sessions. The work I do with Grief Recovery is kept discreet. It takes great courage to undertake the challenging work of Grief Recovery, and my referrals come from individuals who may or may not be willing to discuss it. I have several Grief Recovery groups starting in 2025 and am available via Zoom for one-on-one.

I appreciate your unwavering support this year. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! I pray you find the words to encourage and give you hope for 2025!

Making Space

Recently I met with a friend, and one of the things that I love about our time together is she helps to complete my circle of grief. I'm not saying that because it completes my circle that my grief is linear or circular. It's just that when we talk, she makes space for my tears. When we chatted, we talked about all of the new things that seem to be happening within our group of people. She also lets me verbalize that my writing about my journey had tapered off. My words that once had jagged edges had begun the process of being smooth, and with that smoothing comes a sadness.

Raw grief is edgy. It's vocal. It gave me a voice, but now it has grown quiet. For the most part, the world around me is grateful for the quiet. Yet there are others that are on the front end of their grief. They don't have a voice of their own. I believe that I give them a voice.

So that brings me to my friend. The grief she carries is similar to mine. She sees the devastation of a future without our person. She is reminded of others within our circle who, although it's not spoken, the loss and emptiness left behind are fresh and new as each birthday is celebrated and each wedding attended. We can see the love of our person in each of the people that have been left behind, and we can see how very much we miss him. So inevitably, when we are together, tears are freely shared. The language of love, grief, and longing are the words spoken.

I'm grateful for these coffee dates, for they give us both space to feel all that is within us that doesn't have room in the large crowds around us. I believe they are an oasis for us both. Thank you for making space for me. I miss Evan every day, and I'm so thankful for the days that when I miss him, and I'm with you, I don't have to cry alone.

The Middle

Last week at my Grief Share meeting the subject was "Why?" As you might guess that is the biggest question that people who are experiencing grief ask themselves. One of the many takeaways from this section of the study was that we are in "the middle of the story". That in the middle of the story God is after the "deeper things". Another point that I really loved was that we should live in the exclamation point, not in the question mark. I know your reading this and it all might sound trite but for those of us who are living with the questions these things help us to move towards healing and help us to lean into the things we don't understand to look for the deeper things.

I'm learning to allow the longing, the missing as some want so much for me to be ok. For the most part, I am OK. I'm sad and part of that sadness is that I want to talk about Evan. I want you to know him like I did. I want to remember the good, the bad and the often crazy/zany person he was and will always be. I'm learning that my response is true and that my journey is unique to me. I don't have to run to catch the next train so to speak. I'm learning the "pause" or the "middle" as I move in grief. I'm looking for the opportunities to see Jesus and what He is doing in the "middle". I want to see the beauty in the "pause". To capture the essence of what it allows me to learn about myself and about the journey I'm on. Evan so much love has come from this tragedy I very much hope that you knew how much you were loved by so many. It's crazy! As for me, we are solid. There aren't any questions about that with us. We spoke of it often our feelings and there's great comfort in that. Doesn't make the missing easier just makes it bearable. I'm so grateful for your words that you gave so freely to not only me but a host of others. How blessed we are to have that. 

So much about this seems hollow...hollow in that I never thought this would be our family journey. I often think about why did I never see you beyond the life that you lived. I never saw you married or with children. Maybe that was just the future that was not to be in my mind. I don't know and now it doesn't really matter cause that just makes it more painful to think of the loss of that dream for you or should I say my dreams for you. Instead, I look hopefully towards the future that God has for me...as I wait in the "middle" the "pause".